With perfect unity

[Philosoraptor]

Hello everyone. I am writing a story about a dystopian society for school (min 4-5 pages) and I wanted to get some opinions from SI members on the quality of my writing style. It is heavily influenced by George Orwell's 1984, so if you notice similarities that's why.

EDIT: This is the first part of the story. Scroll down past the first few comments for the rest.

With Perfect Unity

The grey, cloudless sky was shot through only by a few meager rays of sun in the waning hours of the day. The winds had picked up again, and with blustering force they swept every conceivable manner of grime and debris into Neil Knight’s face as he walked, putting him in a generally irritable mood. “What nonsense,” he thought petulantly, “that the Dominion cannot even manage to keep a simple street clean in this day and age.”

It was, of course, all that the government could do to maintain order as things stood already. Just yesterday the reports had spoken of a major offensive being launched against the Deviants, who had once again holed themselves up somewhere in what used to be California. That was just the Dominion’s name for them, but it was accepted as the official name for that reason. They called themselves the Adherents, but the government told the citizens that their doctrine was impure and false. They adhered to falseness and hollow ideals.

Eventually, Neil came to the door of his apartment complex, where a Dominion soldier stood waiting. He fumbled in his bag for the key, cursing the filth of the yard around him. The other tenants had, it seemed, once again neglected the task of tidying the yard out front, and with sullen resignation he prepared himself for the abominable stench that would undoubtedly plague the complex that evening. With a salute, Neil thanked the soldier for his honored service to the country and flashed his identity card. The soldier merely nodded, and proceeded to light another cigarette, despite the twenty or so butts that littered the ground around his feet. Neil stifled an urge to wrinkle his nose, opting to remain in the man’s good graces.

Entering the door of the apartment, he proceeded to place his bag on the table and immediately deposited himself on the patched, dingy armchair. It was extraordinarily comfortable, even for its apparent age and use, and it had become a phase of Neil’s daily ritual to sink into its embrace and let the stress of the day bleed away. The stench of the soldier’s cigarette butts persisted even now; he supposed that he must have carelessly crushed one beneath his heel as he entered the building. With a frown, he took his shoe to the window of the cramped apartment to shake off the ash. After struggling with the window latch for a moment, he forced it open. A powerful gust of wind swept by, mixing the ashes with the air into unrecognizable oblivion. Neil watched with fascination, seeing the tiny particles disperse and disappear in the maelstrom that raged outside the window.

New York was a city in the grasp of twilight. Ancient high rise buildings, some of them purported to be almost 400 years old and most of them racked with decay, dominated the landscape. Chief among them was the Blessed Bastion, the nerve center of the Dominion government. Its shimmering façade seemed to pierce the sky, and a blanket of deadly grey seemed to radiate from its peak. Once the city had been vibrant, or so he had been told, but now it was merely an endless slum, a rumbling, all-consuming engine that ate its citizens whole and churned out nothing of any true value. The Deviants called this hell; Neil would have placed hell inside the Bastion itself.

[Suicidal-kun]

Interesting. Can't say much about the storyline itself since it seems you haven't done much, but give an introduction to the setting, but the area you created seems quite interesting, as do these Deviants. And I must say that you have a great skill for description. You have a way with words my friend, keep at it. I'm looking forward to see what else ya got.:nod:

[Philosoraptor]

Interesting. Can't say much about the storyline itself since it seems you haven't done much, but give an introduction to the setting, but the area you created seems quite interesting, as do these Deviants. And I must say that you have a great skill for description. You have a way with words my friend, keep at it. I'm looking forward to see what else ya got.:nod:

Thanks, Sui. This really is just the setup and the pot is coming soon.

On another note, I appreciate the rep that people have given me for this story, but I can't very well improve it without comments on what needs fixing. If you read this and enjoy it, ro ding things you don't like, please just take a minute or two to tell me about them so I can make it better.

[striderXIII]

The writing is pretty good, the topic is cool...(the bits and pieces I figured out) ... When you finish, give us the whole thing!:D

[Philosoraptor]

Will do. Thanks for looking at it.

[Mr. Drew]

I like it you went into great detail!
The street scene was very detailed I could have a picture of it in my head. Keep it up you'll get an A for sure :laugh:

I'm actually writing a story my self (Viral Soceity)
If you want to check it out :) It's only 6 chapters long so far, so whenever you have time if you could read some of it and tell me how you liked it that would be great =P.

[jacobjumba]

very good. i especially liked the part about neils arm chair. it may seem like just a small detail, but throughout the story you get more and more of those little details, you begin to make an actual connection with the fictional character. you end up truly CARING about what happens to him. so kudos for that. it was a great little inro to a story that i will hope you will continue. keep up the great work and details :)

[Philosoraptor]

Ok, here is the rest of the assignment. It's due tomorrow, so if you want to help out make those comments quick!

I felt that it got weaker as it went, but I also wrote most of it today. This is a rough draft, so please enjoy it and tell me what you honestly think of it.

The wind was beginning to die down a bit. Neil could smell the guard's cigarette smoke wafting up to his window, so he slowly closed and latched it again. Glancing at the clock on his desk, he noticed just how late it had grown. He had spent almost two and a half hours gazing out over the carcass of New York. Neil settled into the armchair again and promptly fell asleep.

Neil awoke the next morning and readied himself in a rush, realizing that he would be missed if he did not hurry. Coming down the stairs, he saw the guard sitting in a folding chair near the door and smoking another cigarette. Neil wondered to himself whether the butts would just pile up until they formed an inescapable barricade. With a quick half-smile and nod, Neil quickly started out for the commute station.

He took a moment to mentally prepare himself before entering the station. It was always a grim moment when he stepped into Bastion Central Railway Station. The place was hardly what one would have called clean or organized, and a miasma of despair and depression hung eternally over the building. It was, Neil was firmly convinced, a meeting-place of miseries and their owners. The Railway Station was just a re-distributor of misery for the people of New York.

After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, Neil finally reached the ticket counter. The sour-faced woman who was there every morning just glowered at him, but he didn't take the hostility personally. Like everyone else in the Station, employee or passenger, she had the same pent-up frustrations born of daily life under Dominion occupation. She took his identity card and ran it through the ticket printer. Neil studied her face carefully, and decided that this one would eventually be Remade. It wasn't an insult; it was just the prescribed punishment for people like her. She snatched the ticket from the mouth of the machine and impatiently slid them under the counter window to Neil, waving him off.

The train ride took exactly one hour, seventeen minutes, and sixteen seconds. It was the same length every day, without variation. He knew this only by virtue of the horrible nature of the public trains. It was usually the same crowd of people on board, but occasionally new faces would appear and familiar ones fade away with time. There was the drunkard who occasionally vomited on whoever unwittingly sat next to him, the mother of three who sat with a haunted look on her face, cradling three children, the man who would loudly pray for the health of all the passengers on any given day, and various other misfits and outcasts of society. The irony, Neil supposed, was entirely situational; people with no sense of direction on a one-way path to whatever fate Destiny had prescribed.

The train ride seemed like a condensed version of history in many ways. It was dark, dirty, and fixed in its path. What's more, Neil thought, recent history was even better encapsulated by the foul tunnel. He was reminded of a story his grandfather had once told him.

According to Neil's grandfather, the days before Dominion rule had been better. "We picked our own leaders back then, and art wasn't a punishable offense. Of course, there were times when things weren't so rosy. People disagreed all the time, but that was how democracy worked, you see." With a tear starting to form, his grandfather continued with a shaking voice. "It was different then. We were different then." He broke down into sobbing upon uttering those words.

The loud and off-key prayers of the pious man wrenched Neil's consciousness back to the present. It irritated Neil, but he was always oblivious to any request that he stop. Fools like him were Remade all the time, and it was a wonder that the man was still among them with such a strange habit. Neil would have thought that the Dominion would have arrested him for disturbing the peace long ago. His wailing peaked; the mother looked up mournfully, and the drunkard began to snicker.

"They's aint no use in praying. God left this damned place 'long time ago."

The pious man ignored the jibe and continued to offer prayers.

With a sneer, the drunkard straightened in his seat. "You listen 'a me when I talk t'you. You idiot. Someday they'll take ya for a Deviant. They'll Remake ya, and then who'll you pray to? Nobody'll hear you wailin' in the pit."

The pious man continued his prayers, but squeezed his eyes tightly shut. The drunkard slumped back into his seat. The rest of the ride was uneventful, but Neil could see a tear forming in the woman's eye. She held her children just a little bit tighter, and her shaking worsened slightly.

[Philosoraptor]

Upon reaching the Bastion, Neil disembarked from the train and entered the bowels of the structure. It suddenly occurred to him that he had never seen the upper half of the Bastion; he worked in the sprawling network of rooms buried beneath the surface. It was not unusual for his co-workers to venture above ground during their working hours, but Neil had never had any motivation to try. The above-ground levels were all offices as far as he knew, but it wasn't terribly high on his list of priorities to confirm that.

He filed past legions of workers on his way to the Banking Sector. A notice on the wall caught his eye; apparently, there was to be a public hearing of a cell of Deviant spies that afternoon. He made a mental note to himself that it would be a spectacle worth seeing; if nothing else, it would break up the tedium of his daily routine. Apathy would probably be healthier than schadenfreude, he suddenly considered. Just as suddenly, he dismissed the musing. Continuing down the hall, he sidled past a particularly corpulent man into his office.

The day was mostly uneventful. Neil felt like another cog in the machine, grinding out numbers and making investments with no true sense of direction or purpose. Minutes stretched out into hours and hours into days, but with an impatient glance at the clock he realized that there were still hours left until the Salvation. Of course, it wasn't official that there would be a Salvation, but in the case of a Deviant cell it was almost certain that they would be Remade. He wasn't quite sure what had him so eager to see them suffer; perhaps it was just a desire to see someone more miserable than he.

Working diligently, it was not until three hours later that he looked up from his work. The time was fast approaching for the hearing. With a satisfied sigh, he set the data he was working on down and stood up from the desk. Apathy is healthier than schadenfreude. Shaking his head, he dismissed the notion again. Maybe it was true, but he had stopped caring about people's suffering long ago. The pretense of sympathy was meaningless now.

He took his time getting to the courtyard where the hearing was to be held. Sitting in one of the closer seats, Neil waited patiently for the Deviants to be brought out for trying. To his astonishment, when the door opened, the first one out was the pious man from the train. Following were thirteen other men and women, all in varying states of health and fear. Clearly, they had all been subdued with considerable force except for the pious one. His face betrayed no expression of fear or timidity to his captors or the jeering audience. There was a tribunal of three judges seated at the far end of the room, and they commanded the room with a coldness that steel could not match.

One of the guards who led them in had a half-smoked cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and with a scowl he slammed the door behind the prisoners and sat in front of it, weapon leveled to prevent any attempt at escape. One woman nervously surveyed her surroundings, apparently sizing up the area for a suitable escape route. She began to wail and whimper at the prospect of being trapped, and one of the other prisoners turned with a glare and struck her. The guard wasted no time; in a split second he shot the assailant. The judges did not move; they merely watched the man die and sat patiently for him to finish his death throes. The room was deadly silent. Time seemed to slow as the man fell, a copious trail of crimson spraying from his throat as he hit the ground. Emotionlessly, the guard snuffed out the cigarette and hoisted the corpse onto his shoulder. There was a general murmur of approval from the audience as he dragged the body out, but otherwise all was still.

Neil was curious; he wondered what crime the pious man had been arrested for. Surely it wasn't prayer; the Dominion had publicly decreed that prayer was acceptable as long as it was of the proper kind. He soon heard the answer, which absolutely shocked him.

"Alan Armand Helton, you stand accused of being responsible for producing the following." The judge held up a painting. Neil strained in his seat to see what was on it, but the angle was just wrong.

The pious man only smiled. "I admit to the crime," he said in a sickly-sweet, mocking tone. The audience began to jeer and boo him. "Defiler! Deviant! Pervert!"

"The true perversity lies here! This is the true hell!" the man cried. A guard casually cracked the butt of his rifle against the back of the man's neck, and he crumpled to the ground in a whimpering heap.

The judge smiled with amusement. "You say that we are the perverts? How can this be? The Dominion does not permit the defilement of mankind by portraying one's fellow as a two-dimensional caricature, a shadow of their true selves."

The pious man spat. "You oppress us. You make us conform to your will and you destroy all that is fair and just. The doctrine of my brothers, the Adherents, is good and pure. You cannot corrupt me."

"You say that it is our culture that promotes the spread of injustice and the denial of equality?" He rose slowly from his seat, and made his way ponderously to Alan, now bent on one knee. "You have been misled, and thus I sentence you to be Remade in the glory of the Dominion. May God make you see the true light of equality and justice that we bring to men." He kneeled and kissed the man on the forehead. "And may God have mercy on your soul."

Alan rose to his feet and began to chant softly. Straining to hear the words, Neil was shocked to hear the man's answer.

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever."

The words echoed in Neil's mind, and a profound sorrow at Alan's sacrifice consumed him. Involuntarily, he began to cry at the spectacle. The man sitting next to Neil smiled knowingly. "It makes me want to cry a bit when I see them achieve Salvation, too."

[Suicidal-kun]

...*claps* That was AMAZING. I loved it. The dark, oppressed world you've created where even art is forbidden is chillingly entertaining. I expect reading more about this time you have depicted. I'd very much appreciate that. :D

[Philosoraptor]

...*claps* That was AMAZING. I loved it. The dark, oppressed world you've created where even art is forbidden is chillingly entertaining. I expect reading more about this time you have depicted. I'd very much appreciate that. :D

Thanks, Sui. I appreciate the enthusiasm, and perhaps I will flesh the story out more some time. I will definately post the peer edited version here for you all to enjoy or rip apart as you see fit.

[jacobjumba]

holy ****ing shit.......
this is truley incredible. i dont know where to start giving you compliments. i have a question though. was there meaning behind capitalizing the D in Destiny? i was wondering about it in my mind the whole time. well i loved it, you got me hooked, and i cant wait to rerad more :)

[Philosoraptor]

holy ****ing shit.......
this is truley incredible. i dont know where to start giving you compliments. i have a question though. was there meaning behind capitalizing the D in Destiny? i was wondering about it in my mind the whole time. well i loved it, you got me hooked, and i cant wait to rerad more :)

Thanks for taking time to read this. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and as I told Sui, I will post the revised version of this once we peer edit in class. About the D in Destiny, I'm not really sure why I did that:D.

[jacobjumba]

oh by the way
"Time seemed to slow as the man fell, a copious trail of crimson spraying from his throat as he hit the ground."
that sentence sent chills up my spine. i seriously hope you become an author,. its a crime not to let others read this amazing work

[Philosoraptor]

I considered becoming an author for a long time, but authors don't make SHIT for money. I decided that writing is something I can do as a hobby, so I plan on doing that in the future.

[jacobjumba]

I considered becoming an author for a long time, but authors don't make SHIT for money. I decided that writing is something I can do as a hobby, so I plan on doing that in the future.

ALOT of authors have other jobs. like...alot. my sister is gonna get a book published and shes a teacher

[Yoruichi17]

I wanted to make a comment when the whole thing was done... sorry if Im alittle late... :nervous:

Anyway... u did a terrific job... :D I like your writing style... all I can say was it was pretty interesting... u r talented...:D

[Philosoraptor]

I wanted to make a comment when the whole thing was done... sorry if Im alittle late... :nervous:

Anyway... u did a terrific job... :D I like your writing style... all I can say was it was pretty interesting... u r talented...:D

Thanks for the comments! I kind of need them after spending most of today slaving away on this.

[Gaara's Girl]

Awsome detail and imagery! You are really good at this. I see nothing wrong with it. Keep up the great work and you'll do fine when you turn it in. I couldn't wait to see what happened next as I was reading it. It was like reading one of those books that you just can't put down. I enjoyed reading it. :)

[Suicidal-kun]

I considered becoming an author for a long time, but authors don't make SHIT for money. I decided that writing is something I can do as a hobby, so I plan on doing that in the future.Be a writer on the side then. Have it be your hobby, but still get things published. Your work is too good to not be published. Puts my shitty writing style to shame. XD

I would highly suggest that you become a writer. You're definitely good enough.:nod:

[Philosoraptor]

Looks like SI has spoken, and they approve of my work. I'll be sure to let you all know how I did in the peer editing and I will post the revised draft here for you all to enjoy.

[Gaara's Girl]

Looks like SI has spoken, and they approve of my work. I'll be sure to let you all know how I did in the peer editing and I will post the revised draft here for you all to enjoy.

I can't wait to read your revised draft. :) I'm sure you'll do well.

[Suicidal-kun]

Looks like SI has spoken, and they approve of my work. I'll be sure to let you all know how I did in the peer editing and I will post the revised draft here for you all to enjoy.K, but if you can, please continue this story. I would love to see how Neil grows as a character, as it seems it ends with him only taking the first steps of becoming a dynamic character. To see what he tries to do in this highly censored and dark future is something I'd be interested in reading.:nod::)

And though you say you were influenced by 1984 I have to ask if Fahrenheit 451 also played a role in your influences for this book. Because this story somewhat reminded me of the book. Especially art being against the law. Though that may just be me who sees the slight connection. XD

[Philosoraptor]

K, but if you can, please continue this story. I would love to see how Neil grows as a character, as it seems it ends with him only taking the first steps of becoming a dynamic character. To see what he tries to do in this highly censored and dark future is something I'd be interested in reading.:nod::)

And though you say you were influenced by 1984 I have to ask if Fahrenheit 451 also played a role in your influences for this book. Because this story somewhat reminded me of the book. Especially art being against the law. Though that may just be me who sees the slight connection. XD

That's your keen eye acting up again. Farenheit 451 was another strong influence here, but 1984 was definately the dominant one in my mind as I wrote it. By the way, nobody is doomed to be a bad writer. The key is to write something every day and practice. It doesn't matter how good it is in the beginning, it's all about getting words onto the page that you can work with. After all, clean-up is easier than construction.

I have to think more about how I will develop this story, but for the present time this is as far as it goes. I have to see what the teacher's reaction to this part is before I can go on.

[Topher]

I considered becoming an author for a long time, but authors don't make SHIT for money. I decided that writing is something I can do as a hobby, so I plan on doing that in the future.

Falso.
My teacher wrote a book under a name he only told me.. He made about 30,000 off that book in one year.. Not a lot, but still.. It's a book.

[Suicidal-kun]

That's your keen eye acting up again. Farenheit 451 was another strong influence here, but 1984 was definately the dominant one in my mind as I wrote it. By the way, nobody is doomed to be a bad writer. The key is to write something every day and practice. It doesn't matter how good it is in the beginning, it's all about getting words onto the page that you can work with. After all, clean-up is easier than construction.

I have to think more about how I will develop this story, but for the present time this is as far as it goes. I have to see what the teacher's reaction to this part is before I can go on.I actually need to read 1984, I never got around to reading it, but its definitely high up on my list of books I need to read someday. And true there are a lot of people who can be writers with a lot of hard work, but there are also those who are just naturally good at taking a pen to paper and creating a masterpiece. You are one of those people.:nod:

And I hope that you do decide to develop and broaden this story someday, so much can be done with it, I would be disappointed and saddened if you didn't continue.http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h97/Fair_One_Of_The_Last_Dusk/Miscellaneous/Cute%20Smilies/Kitsune%20Smilies/Fox48.gif

But if you decide to end it here, then I will respect your choice in doing so. I can't exactly force you to write more, now can I? XD...or maybe I can?....>.>...hm.......lol

[Philosoraptor]

Falso.
My teacher wrote a book under a name he only told me.. He made about 30,000 off that book in one year.. Not a lot, but still.. It's a book.

Correction: The VAST majority of authors do not make much money on book sales. There is a joke among writers that goes something like this:

Q: What's the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and an author?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

I actually need to read 1984, I never got around to reading it, but its definitely high up on my list of books I need to read someday. And true there are a lot of people who can be writers with a lot of hard work, but there are also those who are just naturally good at taking a pen to paper and creating a masterpiece. You are one of those people.:nod:

And I hope that you do decide to develop and broaden this story someday, so much can be done with it, I would be disappointed and saddened if you didn't continue.http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h97/Fair_One_Of_The_Last_Dusk/Miscellaneous/Cute%20Smilies/Kitsune%20Smilies/Fox48.gif

But if you decide to end it here, then I will respect your choice in doing so. I can't exactly force you to write more, now can I? XD...or maybe I can?....>.>...hm.......lol

I probably will continue this story with encouragement like that. It is incredibly gratifying to recieve positive feedback like that for putting your work out there. Readers like you make authors want to write.:)

[Topher]

Correction: The VAST majority of authors do not make much money on book sales. There is a joke among writers that goes something like this:

Q: What's the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and an author?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.



I probably will continue this story with encouragement like that. It is incredibly gratifying to recieve positive feedback like that for putting your work out there. Readers like you make authors want to write.:)

It's actually kind of inspiring to see a writer to develop. How old are you?

[Philosoraptor]

It's actually kind of inspiring to see a writer to develop. How old are you?

I'm a high school senior who will miss Election Day by two months:yell:. Meaning I am seventeen.

[Suicidal-kun]

I probably will continue this story with encouragement like that. It is incredibly gratifying to recieve positive feedback like that for putting your work out there. Readers like you make authors want to write.:)Sweet. Well, continue on writing and I'll be here giving you positive feedback on how I feel about your work.:D

I'm a high school senior who will miss Election Day by two months:yell:. Meaning I am seventeen.That must suck A LOT. To miss an election that means everything to our generation by two months.....ouch.

[Philosoraptor]

That must suck A LOT. To miss an election that means everything to our generation by two months.....ouch.

Don't you miss it as well? You're sixteen, right?

[Suicidal-kun]

Don't you miss it as well? You're sixteen, right?Yeah, but by like a year and a half. If I were to miss it by a mere two months, I'd get REALLY angry.

[Philosoraptor]

Yeah, but by like a year and a half. If I were to miss it by a mere two months, I'd get REALLY angry.

Yeah, I did the pissed-off thing for a while after I realized that, but now there's nothing to be done about it.

Anyways, I got the peer edited version back but there was hardly anything written on it, so I am going to wait a bit to turn it in. I might write a part 2 in the meantime for you guys to read.

[Suicidal-kun]

Yeah, I did the pissed-off thing for a while after I realized that, but now there's nothing to be done about it.

Anyways, I got the peer edited version back but there was hardly anything written on it, so I am going to wait a bit to turn it in. I might write a part 2 in the meantime for you guys to read.Sounds good. Can't wait to read it.:D

[Philosoraptor]

Could someone with a good reputation among the mods ask one of them to change the title of this thread for me? Preferrably, it would be called "With Perfect Unity." Thanks.

[Kura-kun]

You did a damn good job:laugh:This is the kind of writing they expect me to have at the end of the year...Anyway how old are you?

[Philosoraptor]

I'm seventeen, eighteen in January.

[Kura-kun]

I'm seventeen, eighteen in January.
That's kool but yeah I need to be writing like that by '09 very discriptive and vivid...

[Philosoraptor]

My sage advice (lol) to you is to write often. It doesn't have to be anything profound or deep, it can be a rant about your bad day. It can be a short piece on how much you love your mom. It can be a story about how your dog ate a bird. Just get into the practice of putting words on a page. It is a lot easier to fix a lot of bad sentences than to write a lot of good ones from scratch.

[Kura-kun]

I'm already on that road and thanx for your advice all I really need to do is become a little more specific and not have run ons or make frequent errors...

[Suicidal-kun]

Could someone with a good reputation among the mods ask one of them to change the title of this thread for me? Preferrably, it would be called "With Perfect Unity." Thanks.Just ask PHP, I'm sure he'd be willing to do so.:nod:

[Philosoraptor]

Oh, duh. Thanks for reminding me, since apparently I am stooopid tonight.

[Suicidal-kun]

Oh, duh. Thanks for reminding me, since apparently I am stooopid tonight.Its all good. I know that feeling. XD

[Philosoraptor]

Everyone who is still reading this, I just want to tell you that I have decided to continue writing this story. I hope to have another part up by Friday, but this week is gonna be a something-I-might-be-better-off-writing-in-Hebrew, so don't count on it.

EDIT: Here is a teaser paragraph to get you curious. >:)

Alan was hoisted to his feet roughly by the guard in the courtyard below. The distance between Neil and the damned man seemed interminable; a vast emptiness that longed to be filled. It was a gap that neither apathy nor schadenfreude could hope to fill. Neil was thunderstruck when the answer occurred to him in a flash.

The face of his grandfather appeared again. He recalled the old man sitting in his armchair, the very same one that now graced Neil’s otherwise spartan quarters, and smoking an artfully carved black pipe. His grandfather recounted countless stories of the time before, when men and women felt free to create and be different, a time when society was proud of its oddest members in the oddest way. It was different then. We were different then. The clouds of smoke billowed around his grandfather, wreathing him with timeless wisdom. He was very careful about the ashes, though. He would be sure to collect each burnt flake, never allowing them soil the carpet below. Neil shook his head suddenly. Dangerous thoughts, he admonished himself.

Alan was being led out of the courtyard, and the trial of the remaining suspects was underway as well.

[IronTurkey]

Dammit now I want to see the painting. Though I assume it's religious.

Keep up the good work. Are you doing National Novel Writing Month?

[Philosoraptor]

Dammit now I want to see the painting. Though I assume it's religious.

Keep up the good work. Are you doing National Novel Writing Month?

I think I've heard of it, but probably not. This started as a school project that seemed to take on a life of its own. I think of it as the story using me as a medium to tell it to someone else.

[Suicidal-kun]

Nice little teaser, Tainted.:)

I really can't wait to read future chapters, this is going to be one amazing story, I am sure of it.:D

[darksyngr]

Sorry it took me this long to read. Wish I could have sooner, but not necessary for you. The work was perfect. Only tweaking I could see would have been to make it longer. Considering it was intended to be a short story, that wouldn't have been possible.

I bet the teacher will try to steal it. Whatever you do don't let them keep it.

[IronTurkey]

NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month. Here's a link if you're interested: http://www.nanowrimo.org/

[Philosoraptor]

IT: I have heard of it actually, now that I think about it. I might submit this story if I get it up to 50,000 words by the end of the month, but I will probably not make it that far at the rate I go back to review my work.

Sorry all, but an update this week is looking less and less likely. Keep your fingers crossed though, since I may have a new page up for you to read this week.